Sunday, January 17, 2010

How to knock off your friend without getting caught...

A million or so years ago I was a girl scout. Now that it is cookie season I feel compelled to support the cause. In the past years I haven’t known any girl scouts per se and I usually throw the $3.50 at them at their booth at Walmart and waltz off with my box of Samoas (oops they are now PC caramel delights).

This year I know one girl scout. When she isn’t grounded for being a teenager then she’s out doing girl scouting stuff. (spelunking, rock climbing, camping, and tea party) So this year I feel ten times more compelled to support the cause. (and I work with her mom who will drill laser burns into the back of my head if I don’t buy a box or ten)

After buying my case of cookies I came home all warm hearted. Until I read the labels. Have you seen how many calories are in these things? Of course I didn’t read it until after I had eaten too many to possibly work off all those calories. I mean what are these things made of? I’ll tell you what I think they are made of. Lard, lead, and dark matter. How else can you fit that many calories into such a seemingly small innocent object. So delicious by the way.

Then it dawned on me. Eureka! My friend is trying to bump me off. We have a great friendship based on me making light hearted jabs at her blog and life in general and she tries to kill me in return. It’s all in fun of course. (if I’m found dead she did it) There’s no other way to explain the short course of events that have happened. Here I am trying to get healthy and she just happens to show up with cookies. She has deduced that I won’t refuse to buy girl scout cookies. So she loads me up with 10 boxes and about a million calories. Next, she knows I’ll get on the treadmill in a vain effort to run all those calories off. So I will either die of clogged arteries or a coronary. And all of you will not be the wiser.

However, I have found a way, or two, to get her back. First, I won’t eat all the cookies myself. I’m going to give some as gifts to people I would like to see get fat. And if I have any left after that there's always a market when the cookie sales stop. You know who you are. You bought the 2 boxes of thin mints and just when you got addicted they stopped selling them. Well, I’ll hook you up. For a small price increase of course. Is that illegal? That would suck to end up in the “pen” telling my new cell mate I’m here for selling the hard stuff. I’ll have to work on that aspect of my plan.

But for now, my friend, just know that your plan is...foiled!

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