Thursday, March 25, 2010

Demon Dogs Next Door

This is a real rant. You are forewarned.

Today was the day we planned to put in a small water feature. Namely a fountain. This takes planning because our ground here is less than desirable. It’s an undesirable rock and tree root bonanza. Any time you dig more than one millimeter you will run into a rock and then a tree root. It takes considerable time and effort to accomplish putting things in the ground.
We decided we wanted this fountain in the ground like a small pond. I get started digging the hole and cursing the ground. Jace is inside talking to the internet people because you know that whole upgrading the internet thing went sooo smoothly. Instead of giving us an upgrade the repair guy turned us all the way back to dial up speed. I asked Jace if this is like a big joke in the internet industry. They probably think we’re stupid and don’t run speed tests to make sure they aren’t lying to us. But they are wrong and Jace won’t let that go till it’s fixed which means the repair guy is going to get real sick and tired of driving out here till he gets it right. Anyway.

I’m outside digging and I hear a bark. A bark that is very close and does not belong to my dog. I’m also wearing my hot pink grandma gardening hat. I look up and see not one but two of the new neighbor's dogs/puppies/hounds of hell in my yard and barking at me. And not nicely. I do exactly the right thing and run inside at the speed of light while screaming “Jaaaaaaaccccceeee” ! ! ! “The dogs next door are in the yard!” Now Jace jumps up and hands me the phone telling me he’s on hold. Out the door he goes and grabs the shovel and runs after the dog demons while screaming murderous phrases at them like “get out of here.”

He’s walking back to the house and I tell him in no uncertain terms that he is to go next door and tell the new neighbors that they better get those dogs under control, while pointing my finger toward their house. So off he goes with shovel in hand to “talk” with the neighbor. I’m still on hold with the internet company but I’m starting to turn from scared to really really mad.
Jace comes back from the neighbors and tells me the only one there is the oxygen wearing Grandpa who told him he would get the dogs. Yeah right. Jace told them that I am deathly afraid of dogs and that they could not let the dogs run loose to wander onto our property.

Me being deathly afraid of dogs is mostly true and I can narrow it down to two significant events. First, I watched Omen when I was a kid. All black dogs are possessed by Satan. Second, I was a little girl out riding my bike one day and came to an intersection in a neighborhood and this dog came running out chasing me. I was riding in circles and going crazy trying to get away from this dog, panicked out of my mind and all I can remember is that I almost got hit by two cars and there were cars at all four points of the intersection and no one helped me. No one helped a little girl almost getting viciously attacked. So now I am afraid of most dogs. Not all dogs. I have a dog. He’s smaller than the cat. The cat can beat him up. But he adores me. And I give him lip smacking treats.

I digress. Jace comes back inside and is back on the phone with the internet guy. I’m stomping around muttering “I’m gonna shoot them.” I find the pellet rifle and head back outside hoping they will be there. Picture crazy lady with hot pink garden hat stomping around yard with rifle. This is probably affirming the other next door neighbor’s suspicions that we stay home and drink all day while Rowan’s at school.

Here’s the deal. Now that the demon dogs have crossed the barrier, and the neighbors have been warned, they are now fair game in my book. Why be so terrible, you ask. Because I could have been Rowan outside playing. And I’m going to make sure she’s not in danger. I’m going to be a thorn in the neighbor’s side. They will wish they never moved out here. Grandpa won't be getting that oxygen delivery from home health if things don't go my way. And if their dogs come over to “play” again, I’ll have a real nice lead welcome for them.

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